What does it mean?

I wonder what most married women, with, well, pretty much "grown" kids, are doing at 1:30 am on a Saturday morning. I imagine that the majority of them are in bed, or maybe watching a movie, and a few lucky ones are having a long awaited night on the town with their husbands or maybe their girlfriends. I would think that the majority are thankful for the weekend because they probably work all week or at least most of the week. They may be tired from gardening or working on a "home improvement" project. What about the ones that spent their day shopping or at the matinee movie after brunch with a girlfriend or maybe a day at the lake, the zoo, an amusement park with the whole family. Oh, wait, a cookout.... a cookout with the hubby and kids and even a couple of good friends perhaps.Followed by a trip to the local creamery for some of your favorite flavored ice cream.

I, on the other hand, am sitting in a tiny dim lit "sick room" with my grandma, feeding her biscuits and gravy with a couple of teaspoons of grape jelly. I am watching her wither away. She is dying in front of my eyes. I watch her try to chew her pureed foods or swallow a tiny sip of water while trying not to choke and tears run down my face. I watch her breath, the rising and the fall of her tiny disfigured frame and the tears drip from my eyes. I listen to her heavy breathing and watch the beating of the veins in her frail neck and the burning in my eyes and the lump in my throat are nearly more than I can take. I feel so sad. So sad that she must exist like this. She can't hardly speak. Mostly she is only able to move her mouth and I must try to dissifer her words. I don't succeed much but I try. I feel sad that I don't know when she needs me to move her leg or foot or if her back is itching or if she's became confused and doesn't know where she's at or who I am. I also get angry that she must go through this. She doesn't deserve to lay there and hurt or be scarred or thirsty or hungry and fear that she might get choked. She doesn't deserve to get lost and not remember where she is or to think that she can walk only to realize that her legs wont move. She doesn't deserve to be in the shape she's in. Is God leaving her here for a reason that I have yet to discover? Is this just the luck of the draw? I know their is a reason... I HAVE to have a reason for this or I will go stark raving mad. I WANT ANSWERS! I want to know why all this pain and suffering that I have witnessed, all these times of despair, all the lonely abandonment... all the forsaken feelings... all the times when all the ones that I loved were hurting not only physically but were hurt by others... a broken heart... WHAT IS IT ALL FOR?

What can I accomplish by seeing these things? What can I do to make what has happened be for the good? What purpose has all of it had?